Life in Saipan for an East Coast girl

" ALL THAT WE ARE IS A RESULT OF WHAT WE HAVE THOUGHT. THE MIND IS EVERYTHING. WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME. - BUDDHA"

I woke this morning, hearing the cars passing by on a soggy road. I must have slept through any rain that passed us by, but it looks like it wont be stopping for awhile.

This morning was like all my mornings here in the Pacific. Stretching, turning on my side trying to let my eyes focus. Wondering what today had in store for me. Wondering what good things would come about and wishing away all the bad and negative.

I woke this morning with a drive to be better. I am not a bad person, but I know there are things about me that need tweaking. I guess from my past of events, the death of my grandfather, which i still to this day have not accepted and dealing with an absent, here one minute gone another father, I fear losing those closest to me. I dont know if it has been the rain or the fact that in a few days I will be given that wonderful earthy gift us women were given, but I have been on the emotional side.

Do you ever look around you, and wonder what you are going to do when the one or many you love are taken from you? I know this is a heavy topic and not like most of my posts here on my site, but, i feel talking about it will help me, and maybe even someone else.

I honestly am so happy here. Here with Jan and with Tasi. With the land and the sea, and the rain and the wind. And when I think about losing it, it as in Jan and Tasi, it tears me up inside. I know that one day, we all must go... but nobody ever said that would be easy! I feel sometimes, when I get emo like this, I tend to overdo the I love yous and the questions. This is something I know I need to address with myself. Nobody but myself makes me feel like I will lose everything. In stead of worrying about that, I need to think about this moment, right now, and live by that. Think about how I am happy NOW, not what will tear my heart from my chest in the future.

One of the first questions asked of me when my age versus jans is added to the conversation, is how can I be with someone so much older. Arent I scared of being here after shes gone. ....

Hell yeah I am! How could I not be?! If I wasnt... something would be terribly wrong! I would not be an honest, trustworthy girlfriend if I answered no to that question.

Before I came here. I broke up with jan. I dont know if it was fear. If it was being scared of allowing myself to feel how I felt for her. Knowing that all the odds. The distance, time, age, life... all so easily threatened to keep us apart. I thought what I had done was for the best. Then a millisecond after I tried comforting myself with that thought, I was on the floor. I had actually reached in my own chest, and with my own bare hands, proceeded to pull my own heart out and separate it from my body. There was blood on my own hands.... from my own self. I had never felt this. I had never hurt myself this bad. It seemed that each day got harder, when from my past experiences, each day got better for me. But not with her. Not this time.

But it was too late right? It was too late to try and fix this? The things I had said, out of fear, and anger at myself for even being scared. What was right? What was wrong?

*breathe*

I finally let myself breathe....

and think...

I was in love.

IS this what it felt like, when love, true love, was taken from you?

Some part inside me didnt want to feel this ever again. I didnt want, at that moment, to feel what it was like to know I didnt have her anymore. This was love.

I looked down at my heart. Barely beating in the palm of my hands that sat resting on my knees as I stayed there on the floor. There is still always time. I still had time to fix myself, and to talk to her. I wouldnt blame her, if she acted like I was the last person on earth she wanted to talk with....

but we spoke.

And we loved.

Do I worry about being and living my crazy, adventurous, giving life without Jan? Every waking moment. No, not every waking moment, but every moment I am here, or there, or wherever I may go after this life is done.

Every morning, when Im stretching, and laying on my side to let my eyes adjust, I thank whoever is above, for one more day. I will do this, till the end. And whether life, death, or whatever may pull us apart, I will always be thankful for her. For what we have shared, learned, given, experienced.... and for all that we have loved together.

I hope she knows this. And I hope that she knows I adore her. Adoration is a universe of its own. Love is open. But adoration, it strong.

I hope that me being so open today, may in fact inspire someone to open up. Even if just for a second. Make sure those around you KNOW how you truly feel. Dont hold it in. Even if its bad. Or if it hurts. Sometimes, we need to allow those feelings to be put into life, just to learn from them and to live in happiness again.

It doesnt matter what anyone says.... love who you love. Its one of the most real and giving emotions we were given as human beings. Dont let it go to waste....

i. love. you. jan!

i. love. you. family!

& anyone I have met in this twisty life of mine....