Butterflies Gone Wild Family Affairs

So, for the first time Friday I was going to be meeting one of Jan's brothers, Gerald and his family! When I got the call my belly started to flutter around like mad with nervousness. Over a year and a half I have only talked on the phone with any of Jans family, and that was 2 of her sisters actually. So this was something I was very excited about. Jan was able to take off work so that we could spend time with them. They had their twin boys with them who are so polite and cute and entertaining! We drove them around the island and got to have an awesome dinner with them at the Hyatt where they were staying. We shared so many laughs and stories. Patty got her nails done. That was our "girl" time. And that night at dinner we found her getting down with the band that was playing. All i remember is one of the boys looking at Gerry saying "Daddy, look at what your wife is doing" Cracked me up! And to top it off, we got the band to also sing happy birthday to Gerry. They live in Guam, and I hope that we get to go see them

soon! Family is something that I cherish, and thats something I have to thank MY family for! No matter what, you should always be there for one another. I have already considered them as a part of my family now! And I hope that is mutual! :-)

So now I am back to being a student, and somehow it feels great. After I went to Cortiva in NJ and had to take and pass classes like Anatomy & Physiology, Kienseology (or muscles), Business all of which in 6 months instead of a year, I have had a lot more confidence in myself when it comes to being a student. I left Cortiva with a 3.8 GPA and a built up self esteem. So now, yes, I am in fact that student whom is always sitting at the front. I even try to arrive extra early to make sure i get a front seat, though here, its like Im usually the only person in the front anyway.

So I declared my Major. Teacher in Special Education. The funny thing is, teaching has been something in the back of my heart and mind since I was little. And the even funnier thing is, without Cortiva I would have never really known that I have a passion to work with children with mental and physical disabilities. Even Autism was really introduced to me at Cortiva, when I decided to do a report on it for my class. Though my report was actually more on the different therapies you can do with a child with Autism, its almost like, that was just a small part of what I am supposed to do in my future.

So, this semester I am taking 4 classes, which add up to 13 semester hours. 2 classes a day M-Th and one evening class F. Not bad actually. Perfect for me.

First there is Math. Contemporary Math actually. Its more like learning and making your own strategies that can actually be used in real life. Like forming a rout for a postman so it lowers cost and increases profit. Those sort of, I didnt understand till now, sorta things. My Teacher is from the islands. Whether it be Hawaii, or CNMI I dont know. But all I do know is he is funny and smiley, and does a pretty good job at breaking things down for you. I am the only Caucasian in actually ANY of my classes. So, I have gone from being majority to minority, and honestly, I believe everyone should have to do that at some point in their life. Just to be clear that there are so many other kinds of people on this earth, and they too, are only humans like us.

I also have a Public Speaking class. Which I like. I can use the things I learned back in my drama days at Stuart hall for this. Though I still get nervous when I have to get in front of people and talk, I am learning to realize, its just talking. My teacher is Caucasian, but I believe she said shes been working here maybe 16 years? Very laid back. Nice lady. She seems to know and understand the culture here very well, which is nice to see. Every day she has us work with a partner, which I know is so we can meet the people in our class. Most of the students in that class are local girls and a couple local boys. I did have a funny guy from, I believe Korea sitting behind me. He was nice and we joked around a little on the group work. Its nice to be somewhere that I can be me, and make jokes, and not be looked at like Im some twenty eyed Medusa or something. Anyways....

Then there is my Political Science class.... "Principles of Democratic Institutions"..... *blank look, which then turns into a scared look, which then morphs into the oh shit look* I have never been good with history or political classes. Why? I am not sure. Maybe its a little things called apathy I might have over politics, but it has always been the class I did the worst in. This class is bigger. My teacher is like someone you would think to find in a movie or a book. He is 62 I believe and looks 43. Makes me wonder if living here slows down the aging process. He definitely knows his stuff in politics. Past, present, and he seems to think , the future. He is very proudly a republican, which is fiinnnneeeee but he does sort of teach as a republican, instead of being a political teacher, and allowing us to think our own things. But like I said, he def knows his stuff!

Then my class on Friday evenings is my Disabilities in Society class... but, our teacher didn't show last night. So, what does Lauren do? She jokes at the class about the "He's got 15 minutes, then we run" which everyone laughs, gets quiet for a second to think, "well thats true, the white girl might be on to something", and then we all get started on the count down. I know Im really going to love that class!! So far, it was only myself and 5 others. 4 women and one man. All of which are older, and I enjoy that. They know how to work and play, but come out smarter in the long run. So, I am excited to get started in that class.... next week I guess ha.

You know, most of my classes, there are at least 5 different nationalities. Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Philippine, and Micronesian or from the Pacific Islands. And the great thing is, I feel the most at home when i am surrounded by diversity. I have never known why, but I felt this even back in high school. Coming from an elementary school of 99% white and 1% black, (though I hate these labels because I know even with me, I am not white, but more pasty colored.. ) it was nice when I went to a more mixed school. That was just the beginning though. When I went off to Stuart hall Boarding school for Drama, I was then faced with meeting people I only read about in books back home. Germany, China, Japan, India, South Africa, Korea... maybe more but thats just where close friends of mine were from. I thrive in diversity. I thrive on learning about culture and religion and customs. Here, on the Islands, there are so many! Especially with the older generations. One day, once I learn a bit more, I will post them here...

I want to end this by saying:

Never say that you are too shy or to scared to do the things you want to do. Never allow language, or location, or distance keep you from being happy, and going places you wish to see. Yes, it can be scary to think of the CHANGE in surroundings, but, that change is knowledge. Learning to communicate with someone of a different language helps you with learning how to bring it back to the basics. Going somewhere far away, makes you realize that yes, you love your family and your home, but damnit, you are able to stand on your own two feet. And location... do you know the nearest walmart or real honest true western store except for the expensive duty free here on Saipan, is Guam? Dont allow fear of change to keep you from moving somewhere or even visiting. Go somewhere that the necessities might not be as attainable. Why? You learn to figure things out. You learn to work with what you have. You learn to appreciate things you had back home.

Many people take hard situations, (and I am as guilty as anyone) and turn them into negativity. But, we all have to take a breath, and make the best of what we can out of it instead! Keep your head up, and your abs in, and walk in the situation ready to get the most out of it. Every thing we fear, then get past, and learn from, is one thing more than what we had the day before. Strength.

Saipan Tribune::

""Public education officials unpacked yesterday crates after crates of 5,200 brand new laptops that will be given to the Commonwealth's secondary students in private and public high schools.

Education Commissioner Dr. Rita A. Sablan, along with school principals and program managers, gathered at the system's Lower Base office to witness the opening of the newly delivered items.

“This is making technology accessible to our students in the secondary level so that they can access the information superhighway. Because we want them to reach out and know what's happening out there in the world and in the community, allowing them access to this electronic equipment.will raise a very important awareness level for them,” said Sablan.

She said the laptops-Latitude 2100 netbooks from Dell Corp.-will be given to incoming 7th to 12th graders in all public and private schools.""

Jan and I were eating dinner last night and saw this on the news! I was amazed! It is awesome to see how they really do try their hardest here to make sure the kids have the best education possible.

Im sitting here listening to the rain, thanking the earth for the cool wind that is washing over me, and just thinking about things. Jan had to wake at 4am so she and tasi are sleeping. Its so cute to see them when they fall asleep together.

Life here has become the norm for me. The heat is something I dont even think about. Just comes naturally to get used to being sweaty and showering 4 times a day. I dont think I will ever get bored with the surprise of closing my eyes while Jan puts some sort of new local food in my mouth for me to try. We went to this small building that I have passed by many times a day, and she sent me in to buy 6 doughnuts. I was thinking to myself #1 we dont need 6 of them and #2 we wont be able to eat 6! I opened the door to the right. There were two there and the door to the left was for eating in, and the door to the right was for take out. I walk inside this tiny cement building. I am greeted by a very nice local woman. I ask her for 6 doughnuts. As shes getting them I admire a religious shrine thats up on the wall. I am being looked at by the glass window that separates the two rooms by a younger girl. She was sitting with two older women whom Im guessing were her mother and grandmother. All of which were locals, and had that beautiful long dark hair that I find myself admiring when I get to see. (also reminds me of my besties back in NC who are from the islands) :-)

So the lady comes back with this bag of plain looking doughnuts. I get two bottle of ice cold water, and head out to the car. I admit I was hungry. It was breakfast time. The doughnuts to my surprise were rather warm! Jan said they are called galaxy doughnuts. I took one bite and I had this earth shattering feeling go all over me. Oh My GOSH! I have never tasted anything so satisfyingly comforting. I felt like that one bite solved the worlds troubles. That one bits wiped away all the tears being shed around the world. Laugh at me, but I will say, coming from Krispy Kreme land, I know a good doughnut, and let me tell you. THIS ONE WINS!!! I decided to change the name to EARTH SHATTERING DOUGHNUTS.

Anyways, I have some bad news. The skinny doggie we were feeding "Princess" got hit by a car and died. This was very sad news to us, but I honestly was thankful that she didnt have to live in this cruel world anymore. I was thankful that she wouldnt live another day in the hot heat with barely any food and water. My heart was crushed and happy at the same time. Sometimes I wish all the stray dogs could go, just so they wouldnt have to live the way they do.

Jan bought me some awesome makeup kind of as a thank you for helping her. I must say, the response I have been getting from the asian population while wearing the makeup is a LOT nicer than when i dont.... why is this? I want to point out right now that I am not racist, but honest. And sometimes honesty is taken alllll wrong. But I dont understand why so many of the non locals here see so angry all the time. Here I am , walking up into the post office, big ol smile, ready to exchange hellos and have a good days... and when I walk in, im lucky to get a look up and if I do, i get this look like "stop bothering me" And I know, who knows... maybe they are just having a bad day... but damn... every day?! haha

Jan and I went to the Duty Free Galleria and I loved it. There are all the crazy expensive shops. Tiffany & co. Cartier. Chanel. LV. and the list goes on. Im going to put some pics up from there. I was surprised we had shops like that here hahaha

well Im signing out. I think im going to join jan and our boy in the air conditioned bedroom and try to get some shut eye.

" ALL THAT WE ARE IS A RESULT OF WHAT WE HAVE THOUGHT. THE MIND IS EVERYTHING. WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME. - BUDDHA"

I woke this morning, hearing the cars passing by on a soggy road. I must have slept through any rain that passed us by, but it looks like it wont be stopping for awhile.

This morning was like all my mornings here in the Pacific. Stretching, turning on my side trying to let my eyes focus. Wondering what today had in store for me. Wondering what good things would come about and wishing away all the bad and negative.

I woke this morning with a drive to be better. I am not a bad person, but I know there are things about me that need tweaking. I guess from my past of events, the death of my grandfather, which i still to this day have not accepted and dealing with an absent, here one minute gone another father, I fear losing those closest to me. I dont know if it has been the rain or the fact that in a few days I will be given that wonderful earthy gift us women were given, but I have been on the emotional side.

Do you ever look around you, and wonder what you are going to do when the one or many you love are taken from you? I know this is a heavy topic and not like most of my posts here on my site, but, i feel talking about it will help me, and maybe even someone else.

I honestly am so happy here. Here with Jan and with Tasi. With the land and the sea, and the rain and the wind. And when I think about losing it, it as in Jan and Tasi, it tears me up inside. I know that one day, we all must go... but nobody ever said that would be easy! I feel sometimes, when I get emo like this, I tend to overdo the I love yous and the questions. This is something I know I need to address with myself. Nobody but myself makes me feel like I will lose everything. In stead of worrying about that, I need to think about this moment, right now, and live by that. Think about how I am happy NOW, not what will tear my heart from my chest in the future.

One of the first questions asked of me when my age versus jans is added to the conversation, is how can I be with someone so much older. Arent I scared of being here after shes gone. ....

Hell yeah I am! How could I not be?! If I wasnt... something would be terribly wrong! I would not be an honest, trustworthy girlfriend if I answered no to that question.

Before I came here. I broke up with jan. I dont know if it was fear. If it was being scared of allowing myself to feel how I felt for her. Knowing that all the odds. The distance, time, age, life... all so easily threatened to keep us apart. I thought what I had done was for the best. Then a millisecond after I tried comforting myself with that thought, I was on the floor. I had actually reached in my own chest, and with my own bare hands, proceeded to pull my own heart out and separate it from my body. There was blood on my own hands.... from my own self. I had never felt this. I had never hurt myself this bad. It seemed that each day got harder, when from my past experiences, each day got better for me. But not with her. Not this time.

But it was too late right? It was too late to try and fix this? The things I had said, out of fear, and anger at myself for even being scared. What was right? What was wrong?

*breathe*

I finally let myself breathe....

and think...

I was in love.

IS this what it felt like, when love, true love, was taken from you?

Some part inside me didnt want to feel this ever again. I didnt want, at that moment, to feel what it was like to know I didnt have her anymore. This was love.

I looked down at my heart. Barely beating in the palm of my hands that sat resting on my knees as I stayed there on the floor. There is still always time. I still had time to fix myself, and to talk to her. I wouldnt blame her, if she acted like I was the last person on earth she wanted to talk with....

but we spoke.

And we loved.

Do I worry about being and living my crazy, adventurous, giving life without Jan? Every waking moment. No, not every waking moment, but every moment I am here, or there, or wherever I may go after this life is done.

Every morning, when Im stretching, and laying on my side to let my eyes adjust, I thank whoever is above, for one more day. I will do this, till the end. And whether life, death, or whatever may pull us apart, I will always be thankful for her. For what we have shared, learned, given, experienced.... and for all that we have loved together.

I hope she knows this. And I hope that she knows I adore her. Adoration is a universe of its own. Love is open. But adoration, it strong.

I hope that me being so open today, may in fact inspire someone to open up. Even if just for a second. Make sure those around you KNOW how you truly feel. Dont hold it in. Even if its bad. Or if it hurts. Sometimes, we need to allow those feelings to be put into life, just to learn from them and to live in happiness again.

It doesnt matter what anyone says.... love who you love. Its one of the most real and giving emotions we were given as human beings. Dont let it go to waste....

i. love. you. jan!

i. love. you. family!

& anyone I have met in this twisty life of mine....

Its been awhile since I have written anything. I am beginning to get going with my life now. I still have not heard about the job, which angers me. I called a week after my interview, left a message, and still nothing... Its been yet another week. Hmm

But I am not discouraged. If I get it, great, if I don't, then I look for something elsewere.

So, funny thing happened yesterday. Ok, we have two car keys. This way when I have to run in anywhere I can keep the car locked but keep tasi boy in the car with the ac running. Well I had to run a few errands yesterday, and headed home. When I got home, I saw some of the doggies we feed and I wanted to say hello to them. So, I opened the door and got out. Now earlier I had forgot that I took the spare key outta my bra... Yes... My bra... Don't ask, it was jans idea haha. So, I got out, said hello, and came back to the car, still running with the ac on and tasi inside... And the door won't open. O. M. G. That's all I could think. Oh my god I have not only locked the keys in the car but I have locked tasi, aka jans LIFE in the car. Ok Lauren, check all the doors... Ok, check again... Needless to say, after three times of checking the doors, I knew I had to call jan. Initial reaction... Anger... Frustration... Fear. Yep I coud hear all of those in her voice. " Um baby, I have a problem..." Followed by details on how in the world I could do that followed buy "ok, by" from jan. Yep, no I love you... She'sssss pissed... Well. She got a ride to our place ane after 15 sweaty minutes of pulling the car door ajar wide enough for her to use a hanger ... The door popped open and tasi boy was laying in the seat sleepy, cool, and happy to see mama jan this early!! So, that was a fun moment... -rolling eyes-

I'm sitting down freom the airport waiting for jan to get off work. - look to my left and I see a vast sky filled with the biggest clouds I have ever seen, till I came here. The sun is going down behind them which casts a glow around the fluffy clouds. Its amazing.

You know, every day I am thankful that my eyes get to witness such beauty. I look at the huge mountain in front of me, and wqonder where life is going to take me next. Being that its so much to fly home, jan might take me on a trip for the holidays. Its almost 1/4 cheaper to fly towards the west. I hate thinking I won't be home for thanksgiving or christmas, but I am happy. I know the family will understand...

Well, the sun is almost down and its time to go get my woman!

Remember... Live your life for you! Don't allow anyone to try and push you in the direction they want you to go. Because in the end... Its your happiness you have to worry about... Not theirs. And vice versa...

Peace
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Sunny days never fade away... In saipan

So amazingly, I am beginning to love the sun. I am naturally light skin, light eyes, blond hair and have a terrible past relationship with the sun. But now we get along quite well. We go to the beach together, walk in the park together. Its beautiful really... Haha but for real. I came here thinking I could never tan. But the thing is, I was so scared to burn at home (too scared of the aging effects I guess) that I never went in the sun. But now, being that I can't help but be in the sun here, we actually have a thriving relationship.

Of course my arms are right now the darkest thing on my body. But, I think if I can make a week of laying out for awhile every day, then this hot mama will be a TAN hot mama!

I honestly think the coconut trees and palm trees everywhere kind help though. I mean how could you not enjoy a nice warm, I mean HOT sunny day with palm trees? Ahhhh how amazing it is where life has taken me already these 25 years....
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