" ALL THAT WE ARE IS A RESULT OF WHAT WE HAVE THOUGHT. THE MIND IS EVERYTHING. WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME. - BUDDHA"

I woke this morning, hearing the cars passing by on a soggy road. I must have slept through any rain that passed us by, but it looks like it wont be stopping for awhile.

This morning was like all my mornings here in the Pacific. Stretching, turning on my side trying to let my eyes focus. Wondering what today had in store for me. Wondering what good things would come about and wishing away all the bad and negative.

I woke this morning with a drive to be better. I am not a bad person, but I know there are things about me that need tweaking. I guess from my past of events, the death of my grandfather, which i still to this day have not accepted and dealing with an absent, here one minute gone another father, I fear losing those closest to me. I dont know if it has been the rain or the fact that in a few days I will be given that wonderful earthy gift us women were given, but I have been on the emotional side.

Do you ever look around you, and wonder what you are going to do when the one or many you love are taken from you? I know this is a heavy topic and not like most of my posts here on my site, but, i feel talking about it will help me, and maybe even someone else.

I honestly am so happy here. Here with Jan and with Tasi. With the land and the sea, and the rain and the wind. And when I think about losing it, it as in Jan and Tasi, it tears me up inside. I know that one day, we all must go... but nobody ever said that would be easy! I feel sometimes, when I get emo like this, I tend to overdo the I love yous and the questions. This is something I know I need to address with myself. Nobody but myself makes me feel like I will lose everything. In stead of worrying about that, I need to think about this moment, right now, and live by that. Think about how I am happy NOW, not what will tear my heart from my chest in the future.

One of the first questions asked of me when my age versus jans is added to the conversation, is how can I be with someone so much older. Arent I scared of being here after shes gone. ....

Hell yeah I am! How could I not be?! If I wasnt... something would be terribly wrong! I would not be an honest, trustworthy girlfriend if I answered no to that question.

Before I came here. I broke up with jan. I dont know if it was fear. If it was being scared of allowing myself to feel how I felt for her. Knowing that all the odds. The distance, time, age, life... all so easily threatened to keep us apart. I thought what I had done was for the best. Then a millisecond after I tried comforting myself with that thought, I was on the floor. I had actually reached in my own chest, and with my own bare hands, proceeded to pull my own heart out and separate it from my body. There was blood on my own hands.... from my own self. I had never felt this. I had never hurt myself this bad. It seemed that each day got harder, when from my past experiences, each day got better for me. But not with her. Not this time.

But it was too late right? It was too late to try and fix this? The things I had said, out of fear, and anger at myself for even being scared. What was right? What was wrong?

*breathe*

I finally let myself breathe....

and think...

I was in love.

IS this what it felt like, when love, true love, was taken from you?

Some part inside me didnt want to feel this ever again. I didnt want, at that moment, to feel what it was like to know I didnt have her anymore. This was love.

I looked down at my heart. Barely beating in the palm of my hands that sat resting on my knees as I stayed there on the floor. There is still always time. I still had time to fix myself, and to talk to her. I wouldnt blame her, if she acted like I was the last person on earth she wanted to talk with....

but we spoke.

And we loved.

Do I worry about being and living my crazy, adventurous, giving life without Jan? Every waking moment. No, not every waking moment, but every moment I am here, or there, or wherever I may go after this life is done.

Every morning, when Im stretching, and laying on my side to let my eyes adjust, I thank whoever is above, for one more day. I will do this, till the end. And whether life, death, or whatever may pull us apart, I will always be thankful for her. For what we have shared, learned, given, experienced.... and for all that we have loved together.

I hope she knows this. And I hope that she knows I adore her. Adoration is a universe of its own. Love is open. But adoration, it strong.

I hope that me being so open today, may in fact inspire someone to open up. Even if just for a second. Make sure those around you KNOW how you truly feel. Dont hold it in. Even if its bad. Or if it hurts. Sometimes, we need to allow those feelings to be put into life, just to learn from them and to live in happiness again.

It doesnt matter what anyone says.... love who you love. Its one of the most real and giving emotions we were given as human beings. Dont let it go to waste....

i. love. you. jan!

i. love. you. family!

& anyone I have met in this twisty life of mine....

Its been awhile since I have written anything. I am beginning to get going with my life now. I still have not heard about the job, which angers me. I called a week after my interview, left a message, and still nothing... Its been yet another week. Hmm

But I am not discouraged. If I get it, great, if I don't, then I look for something elsewere.

So, funny thing happened yesterday. Ok, we have two car keys. This way when I have to run in anywhere I can keep the car locked but keep tasi boy in the car with the ac running. Well I had to run a few errands yesterday, and headed home. When I got home, I saw some of the doggies we feed and I wanted to say hello to them. So, I opened the door and got out. Now earlier I had forgot that I took the spare key outta my bra... Yes... My bra... Don't ask, it was jans idea haha. So, I got out, said hello, and came back to the car, still running with the ac on and tasi inside... And the door won't open. O. M. G. That's all I could think. Oh my god I have not only locked the keys in the car but I have locked tasi, aka jans LIFE in the car. Ok Lauren, check all the doors... Ok, check again... Needless to say, after three times of checking the doors, I knew I had to call jan. Initial reaction... Anger... Frustration... Fear. Yep I coud hear all of those in her voice. " Um baby, I have a problem..." Followed by details on how in the world I could do that followed buy "ok, by" from jan. Yep, no I love you... She'sssss pissed... Well. She got a ride to our place ane after 15 sweaty minutes of pulling the car door ajar wide enough for her to use a hanger ... The door popped open and tasi boy was laying in the seat sleepy, cool, and happy to see mama jan this early!! So, that was a fun moment... -rolling eyes-

I'm sitting down freom the airport waiting for jan to get off work. - look to my left and I see a vast sky filled with the biggest clouds I have ever seen, till I came here. The sun is going down behind them which casts a glow around the fluffy clouds. Its amazing.

You know, every day I am thankful that my eyes get to witness such beauty. I look at the huge mountain in front of me, and wqonder where life is going to take me next. Being that its so much to fly home, jan might take me on a trip for the holidays. Its almost 1/4 cheaper to fly towards the west. I hate thinking I won't be home for thanksgiving or christmas, but I am happy. I know the family will understand...

Well, the sun is almost down and its time to go get my woman!

Remember... Live your life for you! Don't allow anyone to try and push you in the direction they want you to go. Because in the end... Its your happiness you have to worry about... Not theirs. And vice versa...

Peace
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Sunny days never fade away... In saipan

So amazingly, I am beginning to love the sun. I am naturally light skin, light eyes, blond hair and have a terrible past relationship with the sun. But now we get along quite well. We go to the beach together, walk in the park together. Its beautiful really... Haha but for real. I came here thinking I could never tan. But the thing is, I was so scared to burn at home (too scared of the aging effects I guess) that I never went in the sun. But now, being that I can't help but be in the sun here, we actually have a thriving relationship.

Of course my arms are right now the darkest thing on my body. But, I think if I can make a week of laying out for awhile every day, then this hot mama will be a TAN hot mama!

I honestly think the coconut trees and palm trees everywhere kind help though. I mean how could you not enjoy a nice warm, I mean HOT sunny day with palm trees? Ahhhh how amazing it is where life has taken me already these 25 years....
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Life's Surprises

It has now been almost 2 months since I arrived here in Saipan. I cant believe how fast time is passing by. Now that I am happy, it seems weeks go by in a heartbeat! It is amazing how since I have been here, I dont worry or think about time or what day it is... I know now what people mean when they say "Island Time" :-)

I put in an application at one of the nice resorts here on the island. The Pacific Islands Club Resort or the PIC. I put in for housekeeping. Something that , in helping mom with the houses while I was home, I knew I could do. Though I tend to be more of a people person, I honestly right now just wanted a nice job, in a nice place, that was pretty stable. And that I could kind of come to work, do my job, and get home. I know that might sound terrible, but, dont worry, my train of thought has def changed.

I got a phone call from the secretary of the Executive Director of Housekeeping there for an interview. Of course I was free, and excited so we got it set up for the very next day at 1:45pm. Holy hell was I nervous! I called Jan right away, excited.

So the next day, after prepping myself for a good hour, I headed to my interview. When I drove up, there was a parking spot right there. I was way early, so I called jan again for some moral support. (talking with her has always been the best cure when I need to be calmed down ) :-)

Walking up to the Employee entrance, I started to feel a tad nervous, but confident. That morning, I sat down and had watched the dvd The Secret. AMAZING! If you have never seen it, just WATCH IT! If anything its a good boost of positivity for yourself when you need it. So, I was feeling pretty good. I checked in and was called back. I followed this short local girl down the concrete halls of the resort. Chairs lined the edges and broken lamps sat there waiting to be fixed. She told me to take a seat and she will be with me shortly. Of course I was sweating terribly, being it was so hot down there. She called me into a room and asked me to sit again. So I sat, as straight as possible with my ankles crossed and my pocketbook in my lap. I kept pushing the nerves down the best I could.

Finally I saw a small petite lady come out of the office which sat behind the door I was facing while sitting and waiting. She had on a white polo and khaki pants. She led me inside and closed the door behind us. Now, I was WAY nervous. She seemed to get straight to business. Looking at my application up and down. Asking questions about my experience. She said she liked I had had so much of it. And all of a sudden, as I sat in that chair in that unfamiliar office, telling myself, your getting the job, i want the job, im awesome at what I do.... she began to get comfortable with me. She asked why I was here, told me her story of how she came from hawaii and fell in love with the island here and has been here with PIC for 10 years now.... and we sat and laughed. She even thanked me for allowing her to open up and share with me.

The interview turned more into what felt like employeer/employee meeting one on one. We were laughing and sharing, and she asked me questions about my character and I was giving her the most honest answers... and the best part, was that my most honest answers, sold me! I didnt have to lie... well except to say that Im a tidy person outside of work... though since I have been here I AM! haha

So, she began to tell me about the positions. What a housekeeper there did, all the areas. Laundry, room attendant, and the grounds/common areas. She then told me how there were so many supervisors on staff also.... aaannnnddddd that she was looking for another.......... *cue heart racing like mad NOW* ...... she looked at me... and asked me if I would be interested?! I sat there, looking at her Im sure shocked as hell. SUPERVISOR?! OMG! All I could say was, YES! Of course! haha.... she laughed and said, " I know its going to be a lot of work, and learning, but I know you can do it".....

There comes a time in your life, and hope we all feel it at some point, where you are given WAY more than you expect! I knew that I had started my day rocky, but in changing my thoughts to positive, and happy, and excited about the interview, here I am being told that she "doesnt want to sound biased, but I am the one she wants for the job"!!!!! Of course, she told me that she still had other applicants to interview, but she really seemed like she wanted me for the job!

SO! I WILL GET THE SUPERVISING JOB! That, my friends, is what I will be telling and have been telling myself and the world since that moment. When we were done, she gave me her card, and we laughed a little more and she told me that it should be roughly a week, and if i wanted to see about the progress to give her a call! WOW!

I will tell you now... when I walked out of that room, I think I was 10 feet tall! At least thats how i felt! Passing the next interviewee, and saying bye to the girl who brought me back there, i knew I had the job.

Now, (though I am not going to allow myself to think this anymore after this sentence) If I was NOT to get the supervisor job, or they couldnt afford it (she said that might happen) then, that is ok. I know or think haha that I will def at least get housekeeping room attendant.

*deep breath

* and release.... damn.... it feels good to BELIEVE in myself!

Foods

Here is a small collage I made of some of the foods I have tried. I have had Vietnamese, Chamarro, Japanese, Thai....

Shake, rattle, and OMG

So, today, at 344pm I felt my first REAL earthquake. I know the first night I was here I felt a tiny one, so tiny i thought it was just a neighbors door shutting. But today, I was sitting at the computer, and I felt the same thing. I looked around to see if tasi boy was maybe laying beside the chair and itching, but he wasnt. Just as I was texting jan that I felt a tremor, it really began to shake for maybe 3-5 seconds. I know thats not long, but for an East coast girl, it felt like the biggest known to humanity! haha

The whole entertainment center was shaking and I was trying to stand to get to the boy. He ran to me right after and once it stopped I went to the balcony to look out. Of course, I wouldnt see anything, and of course everyone outside this apartment were fine. Driving like nothing, walking around like nothing. Maybe I imagined it? How the hell could I?

Then the phone rang. It felt comforting to hear Jan on the line. Asking if I was ok and telling me that it was indeed a good almost scale of 5 earthquake. I am not sure what made it happen. I know there have been some volcanos around that have been erupting and having some life, so maybe thats all it was... all i know is... its been almost 2 hours and I am STILL shaken up!

When ants fly.....

So, I know this one will be a short post, but i HAD to share...

This morning on our way to go feed the doggies, Jan turned the car AC on pretty high. I started to see these little things flying out of the vents and onto me and tasi boy who was sitting comfortably in my lap. I ignored it at first, thinking it was nothing, then realized.... ANTS!!!!

About a week ago, I had mistakenly left some mentos in the car. YES. Sooo we were greeted the next morning with a colony of ants taking over our car.

Needless to say.... THEY ARE NOT GONE!!

I hope to bring out my killer side, and fix this problem, so as I can finally enjoy sitting in the cool air on a blistering hot day here in the pacific ocean.......